“It didn’t matter to me that I was killing myself”.
It has been about a year since my stomach was reduced to the size of a small banana. I remember last year, I had finished a huge meal at a 4th of July celebration and was already having buyers remorse even before I had the surgery. The thought of not being able to dig into a huge hamburger, a side of mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, pasta salad, and finishing it off with a cold beer — sounded inconceivable and horrible!!
It didn’t matter to me that I was killing myself. My list of ailments were long for a 40 year old man.
List of Ailments:
When I was young, I was never particularly big, in-fact I was pretty short and scrawny. I graduated high school at 130 lbs. at 5 ft. 5 in. My metabolism was fast! I could eat anything…well until I got to college. The “freshman 15″ turned into 30 lbs. and by the time I graduated undergrad I had grown to 190 lbs. Two years later when I was graduating with my Masters degree I had gained 20 more pounds. Somehow I was still able to catch the eye of a beautiful girl that said yes to marrying me. At her 110 lbs. on a 5’2” frame, we made a perfect 10!
I have tried them all. The Adkins, Weight Watchers, low calorie, lettuce and water. They all worked to lose weight but when I got down to my goal weight, which was usually to get under the “overweight” category on the Body Mass Index, I would find it difficult to get past 170 lbs. 170 lbs. according to BMI is 28.3, anything over 25 is considered overweight. Don’t get me wrong, I was way healthier at 28.3 BMI than I was at my surgery BMI of 37.3 with morbid conditions, but it was never where I saw myself. There were times when I got under 170…even hitting 155 once, but it was SO HARD to stay at that weight. I was always hungry and the amount of working out that I had to do took all of my free time. It became a second job! So what do people do when they get into a job that they hate? They quit! And that is what I did. I just quit and fed myself, and it felt good to me. I found comfort in the food, it filled a void and made me feel better, even if I was very stressed with work or personal relationships…it was there to comfort me.
What is funny, is that when I was in “losing mode,” I could turn off the emotional need for food, but when I wasn’t losing, I felt stuck and would go back like a food junkie. Well, that is what I was…I was addicted to food. I guess now, I am a recovering addict, but I still worry that I will fall back into that “I don’t care!” mode.
A Year Later
I will definitely chronicle my experiences and the things I learned over the year in other posts, but here I want to mention how things are different.
I’m happy to say that shattered my 170 lower limit! I am currently 114 lbs…that is 110 lbs down from my surgery weight of 224.
I look forward to sharing through this blog…please share your experiences. Also, I’d be happy to answer any questions I can.